How NOT to be a Nudist

So you think you want to be a nudist? Well, there are many ways to start, such as sleeping in the nude, being nude in your home, joining a local club, visiting a resort or beach, etc. What I cannot recommend is making your first nudist experience a job.

Once I decide that something is a good idea -- going to Australia, baking a chocolate cake, trying nudism -- I work blindly, diligently, toward setting it into motion. As I continued flipping through the 1,500 entries in the WWOOF book in search of our next destination after we finished our daily duties to Peter's chickens and banana trees, I marked the nudist positions along with those that offered interesting activities like composting and making cheese. And I kept pestering Dan. [alternet.org]

WWOOF is an acronym for Willing Workers on Organic Farms, so the author of the piece, Nicole, was looking for work as her first nudist experience, which is a very bad idea, not to mention that her partner Dan was quite unenthusiastic about the whole idea in the first place.

Dan and Nicole arrived at the resort totally clueless about the nudist lifestyle, not even being aware of the basic etiquette of carrying a towel to sit on. In addition, their nudity was required as part of the job, so the pleasure of being naked suddenly became a mundane task.

Generally people who write about their first-time social nudism experiences, they tell about their apprehensions about stripping in front of strangers. Nicole describes getting naked in a very matter-of-fact manner.

"Well," I said. "I guess we should get naked?" Dan shrugged, shook his head, and laughed a little. "I guess."

We walked down a path toward the pool, naked but for our sandals and sunglasses.

That actually sounds positive for Nicole and Dan, that they exude a natural confidence that is a trademark for many nudists. The real problem revealed itself when the couple met their first naked people face to face.

Chlorinated water glistened on the man's back hair, chest hair and ass hair, but what pudenda were visible from under their big bellies were smooth and disconcertingly shiny. This guy said his name was Peter, and I said something about our just having stayed with a Peter, though inwardly I doubted that that Peter waxed his balls. The woman swung her arm out from behind pendulous, waist-length breasts to shake our hands, and I wondered why she didn't remove her moustache or sparse chin beard, as she obviously was no stranger to depilatory creams or razors.

Suddenly Nicole's true intentions were revealed - she was there really only to write a story, not to be a nudist. The rest of the article is a series of complaints about the facilities, the food, the work, the bugs, and the people.

After more rambling in the article about Germans, nudism, and Rousseau in an attempt to highbrow her report, Nicole gets to the heart of her own problem - she is an exhibitionist and not a nudist.

Since I hadn't considered the possible influence of my own exhibitionism in deciding to go naturist, I certainly hadn't contemplated its conditions. Evidently, I didn't think that enforced exhibitionism was as fun as it might sound. Evidently, I wanted to choose who looked and when...I'd modeled for fetishists, taken my clothes off for artists, and even posed for pornographic anime illustrators. Still, it's unsettling to sit around watching Australian soaps ass naked under the pretext of candor and communal good feelings while people steal clandestine glances at your vagina.

Dan and Nicole ended up hating their boss, the resort dogs, and the entire clothes-free experience in general. They arrived as cynics, and did everything they could while they were there to convince themselves that they were better than everyone else. The entire article is dishonest - Nicole did not want to be a nudist, she was looking for someplace where she would be worshipped as a goddess. She should open up a website where men buy subscriptions to see her nude photos and fantasize over her for Onanistic satisfaction, or get a job as a stripper.

Tags: nudism, naturism, nudist, nudists, naturist, naturists, nudity, nudes, bare, au naturel, nude, naked